Apr 1: April Welcome

As April begins, I want to express my personal gratitude to all those who visit Fort Lauderdale. Composers may write songs about April in Paris but, as far as I'm concerned, South Florida is the place to be during this month. So I want to reach out to you, the April tourist. Yes, I want to give you something ... well, very special. In my own fashion. All you need to do is let me know you're on your way. I shall meet you at the point of your arrival, whether at the airport or Port Everglades or maybe outside a hotel at the instant your car rolls into the driveway. I have imported a red silken carpet, handmade for this purpose by a team of artisans in New Delhi, and I will unfurl this to soften your first footsteps in our tourist paradise.

A carefully assembled team of 50 South Florida celebrities will shout a chorus of "huzzahs" while you stride down the silk carpet - which will be burned ceremonially after you sit inside your waiting white stretch limousine. Then we all will march next to the limo in perfect unison for a parade down Las Olas Boulevard in your honor.

Onstage at Huizenga Plaza in downtown Fort Lauderdale, you will receive the key to our city from Fort Lauderdale's mayor and be asked to make a speech about your most endearing personality traits. Every resident of Broward County will turn out for this important occasion. That night, a torchlight party will be thrown for you along the famous Fort Lauderdale beach. You will sit inside an emerald throne placed upon the sand, lightly fanned with palm fronds by four of South Florida's most beautiful socialites. A wild pig will be coal-roasted and sliced to your order by skilled swine-chefs flown in from the Solomon Islands for the occasion. Everyone in the massive crowd along the beachfront will be served mojitos in large silver cups that bear your name and the words, "Tourist of the Year!" Just then, fireworks will erupt outside each home and hotel on the ocean from Deerfield Beach to Hallandale Beach to celebrate your Greater Fort Lauderdale holiday. Welcome to Fort Lauderdale! Oh ... and just one more thing I must mention at this point: April Fool, of course. Haha. But you also should know something else, for real: I may not be able to arrange a welcome that's quite this lavish for you. Sorry. But I would if I could.